Man flu.....

I've been struck down: All my new-year plans are shot to bits as I struggle with a crippling and debilitating disorder. The illness is often referred to, insultingly, by females of the species as Man Flu. They are in fact immune from the illness, as man flu is now known to exclusively attack the XY chromosome carrier. It is a fact that if man flu is kind enough not to kill the infected party it will definitely leave him weak, sick, hurting everywhere and in dire need of TLC.

Medical professionals apparently now widely recognise that self diagnosis by the sufferer is the best means of identification as the symptoms of man flu are far more severe than those of the simple common cold - which predominantly attacks the XX chromosome holders (i.e. females). This goes some way to explain the cynicism sometimes displayed by some women towards their male counterparts. (I should qualify that this is not something I have experienced personally)

Fact or Fiction?...

Man flu is simply a cold - the symptoms of which are greatly exaggerated by men...
FALSE: Man Flu is a serious illness and will no doubt soon be on the Health and Safety executives list of reportable diseases. It is a distinct disease in its own right and should not be misdiagnosed as a mere cold.

Women can catch Man Flu...
FALSE: Man Flu is a genetic mutation that only attacks men - This may account for the reason that women widely believe that it is just a cold - but with extra drama thrown in for good measure.

The best way to deal with Man Flu is to just get on with it....
FALSE: Extensive research has proven that the only way to combat the crippling effects of Man Flu is complete withdrawal to the sofa and uninterrupted mollycoddling by girlfriend/wife

Men have a slower recovery rate from Man Flu than women do from the common cold....
TRUE: The effects of MF can linger for weeks - compared with a day or two for a cold. If a man is not allowed the correct period of convalescence following an attack of MF he can be plunged into a serious condition.

Man Flu is just a way for men to get sympathy/time off work/time in front of the telly....
FALSE: MF is a bona-fide illness - would men make a meal of that sort of thing?

The pain and suffering of Man Flu is similar to that of child birth....
TRUE: Though at least with child birth it's all done and dusted in a few hours - MF can last for weeks!

The best cure for MF is a cocktail of night-nurse, Day-nurse, chicken soup and whiskey...FALSE: There is no cure. Once infected the afflicted can only hope that the gods roll the dice in favour of life rather than a slow lingering death.


While suffering from MF, men would like nothing more than to go to work and try to forget about their affliction...TRUE: However men recognise the huge risk of spreading MF to other men - indeed a single cough in the wrong direction could hold enough MF germs to wipe out a small peloton.


What to do if you're struck down....

It's imperative that you get to a place of safety before the full force of Man Flu takes hold. Phone your nominated female carer (normally wife or girlfriend) and inform her of the crisis which is about to unfold. They must reach you at your place of safety in the initial stages before you become bed ridden.

Once you're home it's important that you feel as comfortable as possible. Slip into your dressing gown, pop your feet up on the sofa and reach for the remote control. Your nominated female carer will feel helpless as you plunge deeper and deeper into misery. Counter her feeling of helplessness by keeping her occupied with small tasks, such as massaging your feet or using a sponge to lightly dampen your forehead. 

 

Allow her to prepare Man Flu comfort foods such as chicken soup, or put Man Flu comfort television on, such as Wiggins' Tour de France victory highlights! Keep her fit and healthy by regularly sending her to the shops for a selection of Cycling magazines for you to browse. Remember, you're doing this for her. 

 

If you didn't die from your Man Flu it is imperative that a period of convalescence is taken. All to often men try to soldier on through the last symptoms only to be flung back into the depths of the illness because they didn't rest for the full term of the condition. Begin by moving short distances away from the sofa. Try not to mention your near death experience. Try to eat food that is 'healthy' rather than 'comforting'. But don't overdo it.

 

Frequently, following a period of Man Flu, the nominated female carer may also start to exhibit symptoms such as a runny nose and aching joints. This is, of course, the common cold and not Man Flu (obviously!). By far, the best way for her to deal with this is carry on with her normal day to day routine as if the cold wasn't there. After all, it's hardly Man Flu, is it?